Monica Durazo dot Com

It’s a small world after all.
But really? This small….?

So I decided tonight to take Alyssa to see a movie. She has been dieing to see The Hulk, and though out of theaters already, there is this small dive theater that for a dollar shows the older movies. Anyway, long story short — we go there.

We approach the theater totally unsuspecting, or unaware that walking up within a few ‘teen feet of us is Michael (the recent ex) and his new-but-old girlfriend!

I was in total shock.

See I haven’t seen Michael since I before I left to Nebraska. That was probably over a month and a half ago. Lately I really haven’t thought much about him and figured he was off living his life far away from here.

Anyway they didn’t see me and I’m glad for it. Talk about AKWARD! No thank you. I’ll pass on that meeting. See, we’ve been down that reunion road before — shortly before he “left” her for me, I had run into them in a bar. Now after he has “left” me for her — I run into them again. AKWARD!!!!

OC….I swear.

I can live next door to someone for years and never see them. Then I get involved in this twisted love triangle and run into the other two –like a bad car accident.

Oh well. Back to my life. Just thought it was ironic.

I’m on my way back to California today.

Flight leaves this afternoon, getting me back home in the evening. So far, I’ve done REALLY well with the infamous “split.” I still have moments where I miss — I dunno, someone. That, I think, proves I’ve come a long way. I really dont sit around and hope he’ll call, or write or show up with balloons and roses with pretty little bows all surrounding a beautiful glass vase packaged with love delievered by hand (hmmmm….I dont? okay!?!?!) or anything anymore. It’s more just a feeling that I would like to have someone to share the stories of my day with.

Lucky for you, I can now type it. ;o)

So here’s the plan. I fly into LA (why LA? cheaper. faster. have a ride from there), grab a bite to eat and then make first trip home.

Feeling? Scared. Our apartment had a ‘bug’ problem and I dont want to have deal with those pests that I KNOW have been brewing since he, I, we left.

Anxious. Wonder how the apartment stands. What did he take. Is it clean? Dirty? All stuffy?

Excited. Finally getting home will be good. I’ll have lots to do — groceries, car wash, laundry — but my life will hopefully soon start to commence as normal.

Anyway, never ever expected to go home to an empty place, but, that’s life. I guess once Aly and I are back in it, it won’t feel as empty.

Gimme a few days and I’m sure I’ll forget he ever lived there. awwww….how sad!

It’s my last weekend in Lincoln and as of now, I still haven’t really seen what the nightlife is like here. All the contestants have, but I haven’t.

I was prepared to hit the town last night, swallow my saddness in mindless entertainment in a desperate attempt to regain my sanity. But luckily for me, no one wanted to go anywhere.

I didn’t really want to either. I just knew I couldn’t be cooped up in the room all night - mind all a flutter.

So I packed my lil’ laptop and joined the other geeks downstairs, in the hotel lobby for some REAL “computerized” fun. It was John Chow’s last night here. We took these photos for memories.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR ME JOHN! YOU MAY BE THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, BUT I STILL CONSIDER YOU AN ANGEL. (awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww………..)

Anyway, we ended up posting that Bachelorette Edition video (see post below), that at first I was honestly a little apprehensive to post.

I guess a part of me is still hoping he returns (MY EX, NOT JOHN. THOUGH IT’D BE NICE IF JOHN RETURNED TOO!). Just don’t want him to think I’m like FULLY ok without him. I’m just being me. The me I was before him, the me I still am after him. The TAC crew has heard an earful of my bitching, so sick of my moaning, groaning and complaining. I was actually told last night to “JUST get over it!” (or something like that) haha. I so needed that. — Quote courtesy of Devin Hunter (www.devinhunter.com). ;o)

I’m pathetic.

It’s quite interesting though to hear all the different opinions, suggestions, advice. I think my break up really hit home when Jonathon Van Clute, the machine himself, broke and offered a giant bear hug and reassurance that things would work out ok.

…And that was all he spoke. Besides, there’s still a competition to win!

Hanging out with John Chow, it’s impossible not to laugh. I’ve been so depressed lately over the loss of my relationship — that the TAC crew along with Chow devised a scheme to make me feel “better.”

In the parking lot of a restaurant (of which I ate nothing, stomach in knots) we filmed a small piece we titled “Top Affiliate Challenge, bachelorette editon.”

IF YOU KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE (most of you do) HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!

ps oops! my name in the credits is spelled incorrectly. hmmmm….oh well!

Fear, my bom bom (G version).

I’m plain angry, not fearful. I’m like a grizzly — Grrrrrrrrr….style.

Ladies, I’ll say two words. CELL BILL. uh huh, YOU know!

So, check this, what I can not stand is someone who claims to love you, but doesn’t respect you. I know for a fact I would much rather be respected than loved. If there is no respect, there is no love, plain and simple. AND (yes, I started my sentence with AND), if someone does disrespect you, it probably means they dont love you (LISTEN CLOSELY MONICA) and one should get the steppin’.

OH DAMN THIS BLOG! Making me realize what I already know!

So all my whining about boyfriend this and boyfriend that, how badly I want him back, walls closing in, mail not being picked up, etc…etc…etc are coming to a halt this afternoon (dont worry those feelings will soon return). ;o(

awwww…The mood swings of a break up, absolutely golden.

So here is my advice for the day:

Speak up! Grab your …hmmph “bags” and get talking. If you’re big enough to do it, you’re big enough to admit to it. And, ex-boyfriend, we BOTH know that we’ve had our share of “speaking up” in the past.

…ok first of all, not doing well with this break up thing. It’s 12:30 a.m. in Nebraska and though bowling was fun, it was temporary. PEOPLE! I WANT HIM BACK SO BADLY!!! waaaah!

So I sound like a heart crushed teenage girl — but damn if that’s how I feel!

 Just gonna put this out there and then move on….MICHAEL-I-WANT-YOU-BACK-SO-BADLY-IT-HURTS-I-HATE-BREAKING-UP-CAUSE-I-CANT-STAND-THE-LONELINESS-AND-OMG-WHERE-ARE-YOU-MY-MIND-IS-GOING-CRAZY-THE-WALLS-ARE-CLOSING-IN-ON-ME-AND-I-KEEP-PICKING-UP-THE-PHONE-TO-CALL-YET-I-DIAL-ALL-BUT-LAST-NUMBER-AND-THEN-HANG-UP-AND-THIS-IS-TOTALLY-EATING-AWAY-AT-MY-SOUL-AND-THERE-IS-SO-MUCH-TO-TELL-YOU-AND…oh hey! wait. Hope you checked the mail before you left?

arrgh! logistics. Ruin a good rant everytime.

Anyway, much better now. Off to sleep <—thats a lie (won’t sleep tonight, unless the tears drown me into a slumber). But I’m trying. So far, day 1 of the break up….garbage.

Sometimes love will make you do silly things — bad karaoke in Nebraskan bars, overabudance of self cell phone pics, late at night conversations.

And sometimes those silly things include breaking the other’s heart, for whatever reason seems justified at the time. Last night, the person I LOVE decided to end his relationship with me. That’s right. Just end it.

Now I’ve been in relationships before. In fact, I’ve been married before. I thought at the time that I was married, of course, that my husband was the only one in the world for me. Due to “this and that” our marriage crumbled and poof! My life was turned upside down.

Anyway, three years later (three long years of meaningless dating), I managed to flip upright and take the leap into love once more only to be tested once again.

I’m writing this VERY personal blog a day after I launched this site. Rub you the wrong way? I hope not.

I’m merely swallowing pride (gulp, gulp) and letting “him” know that I understand. I’m sorry….And I love him. I am here ALWAYS, like I said I’d be.

See cause love is so peculiar. It isn’t always reciprocated. In fact, it’s often one sided. In this case, I fear I got the short end of the stick. But hmmmmph! I’ve done it before, I guess I’ll do it again.

Lucky is he, to be loved so wholeheartedly. I could only wish for love like that. For now, I suppose, that saga is closed. I hope he comes home…AND IF HE DOES….I WONT hesitate to bring him back.

Cause see, love is just so grey. It’s not black. It’s not white. It lays in the shadows with no clear definition. No right or wrong. No just or unjust. It just is.

and my love for him…just is.